Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles
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The good
Some (intentionally) humorous moments. The action was cool at brief points
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The bad
Just about everything. The turtles' lacked any meaningful character development .The villains plots made zero sense, the characters' actions didn't make sense, and even simple things didn't make se...grrrr
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The ugly
- Total score
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a sci-fi action movie starring everyone’s favorite ninjas in a half shell. However at the start of this movie no one knows it as New York City has been terrorized by an organization known as the Foot Clan but since they move so well in the shadows no one is able to get a grasp on this organization. One reporter, April O’Neil, is determined to break a big news story involving the Foot Clan so she’s persistent in questioning dock workers following a robbery about the contents of what was taken believing it to be their work. And if she wasn’t relegated to covering stories about exercise “gurus” and the like, she feels she would already be a big name. She gets a lead after contacting the dockmaster once again, and he tells her to go back to the docks at a specific time to speak to someone who would help her and to never contact him again. She does this but when she arrives at the docks she sees the Foot Clan there transporting boxes and fully armed. Suddenly she sees someone drop in and starts attacking the Foot Clan but it’s too dark and the action is moving too fast for her to get a good look at the person. The mysterious vigilante does leave a symbol on one of the storage containers, and she takes a picture of it believing it’s her proof to finally make the lead story. But when she tells her boss about this it’s dismissed because of a lack of evidence and the fact she wasn’t able to truly witness what occurred. Maybe that’s for the best because even she’s unaware that the strange figure she saw was one of four mutant turtles and she would have an even harder time explaining that. But with the Foot Clan humiliated once again by its defeat at the hands of the vigilantes they plan on moving out of the shadows to draw the vigilantes out into the open at the expense of New Yorkers. April might finally have the opportunity to break her story but considering what’s at stake will it even be worth it?
I woke up this morning with torn clothing all over, and that’s not unusual considering I watched this movie last night and it made me so angry for a variety of reasons. I know how Michael Bay has been deemed synonymous with destroying childhood memories with some of these movies but I can state firmly that Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles didn’t and couldn’t destroy any childhood memories I have of the original animated series or comic books. And I can go on and on about how I was a huge fan, etc but all of that is completely irrelevant to why this was such a bad movie. This was so bad that absolutely nothing about the Ninja Turtles was ruined for me. This makes perfect sense and I’ll explain why. The movie opened up ok with its brief animation and then subsequent introduction of April O’Neil. The opening scenes felt very hurried, and it hurts me to say it since I like Megan Fox, but it seemed as if someone told her to say her lines as fast as possible in these scenes. Despite this I started to feel that maybe I could get some enjoyment out of this movie if I kept my expectations low enough. And even when Shredder was shown for the first time I was somewhat impressed as his skill was made clear, and his plan to bring the vigilantes out of hiding was decent. This public show of force, of course, would mean April would chase after the action so she could get her story and also hope to see the vigilante again. And I really liked the way the turtles entered into the situation and handled it because it also showed what I hoped to be just initial glimpses of their personalities. This would give April the opportunity to take their picture, and see there were actually four of them and not one. This would be a humorous exchange as they would take offense to the picture because they wanted to remain hidden, and of course not get in trouble with Master Splinter, their father figure, for being above ground.
So where did it go wrong after this? Everywhere. I have no problem with a studio wanting to make a movie that will make them a lot of money although it can get stale when generic copies of movies are made and there are no original ideas. However I have a huge problem with studios wanting people to give them money without making a decent movie and hope to make a quick cash grab before anyone realizes that. At one point later in the movie I honestly felt like those who made it said “f-ck it, it is what it is” because even simple things just stopped making sense. It would go from being barely tolerable to an unmitigated disaster once the story started to develop and bring the different pieces together. So if you’re familiar with TMNT in some way and you remember the differences between the turtles then you’ll automatically add that understanding to the characters for yourself because the movie doesn’t do it. It gives a little tidbit here or there, and they can be humorous at times but in terms of developing them as characters this isn’t done at all. I never felt like this movie wanted to truly appeal to TMNT fans in terms of them feeling satisfied yet it wanted to take advantage of what TMNT fans already knew about the characters. So if you know nothing about them you’re lost in terms of differences aside from a joke or two. This laziness also applies to the connections between the characters and the plot itself. It’s already known from all the information put out before that April’s father worked with Eric Sachs (played very well by William Fichtner) to help save the city but a terrible accident put an end to that plan with April’s father dying in it. April’s connection to Splinter and the turtles might have been cool in another movie but the extreme take on six degrees of separation was just an excuse to not develop any character or give a reason why they would work together and care about each other. The only consistently bright part in this was Will Arnett being hilarious in just about every scene he was in since the decision was made to not develop the turtles’ individual personalities. It only makes you appreciate whichever version of the turtles you enjoyed previously even more.
So the plot didn’t make sense, the need for the turtles in this plot didn’t make sense when a brand new (spoiler) could’ve been made over those 15 years. They could design a suit for Shredder that had to weigh a ton but was capable of moving at incredible speeds so they could’ve made a new (spoiler) and (spoiler) if they applied their resources. And technology can change a lot in 15 years so how was everything automatically ready to go? And if you could use all the turtles either dead or alive, why leave one of them behind? But I won’t get into that. The original way Splinter learned ninjitsu was a joke, and even if that was the case then how he acquired an Asian accent is perplexing. And even the action isn’t enough to save this movie because all the potential in it is sucked out when Shredder is given his ridiculous suit, which is early on. So instead of well-choreographed fighting scenes there’s Shredder bludgeoning his way through everything and everyone in the ugliest suit possible. Edward Scissorhands was more intimidating. And the inexplicable “push here for solution” buttons just added to how ridiculous things were at that point. And that’s when I realized that Shredder’s real plot wasn’t to destroy NYC but to get as many to watch this movie in 3D before the masses realize just how bad it actually is. And in that he just might succeed.
SUMMARY
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is a mutated mess that truly feels like the makers did not care about the characters, since none of them were truly developed, or making a cohesive story as the grand scheme made zero sense on any level for anyone involved in it. It’s very difficult for me not to include what I feel are spoilers in this review because then I could give more specific examples to show why this movie should be avoided at all costs. The plot was a perfect metaphor of the creators releasing this disaster on an unwitting public but the side effects of anger, frustration, uncontrollable laughter and less money in your pocket are very real so don’t become infected by it. I wanted this movie to be a smash but without a doubt it’s a pass.
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